The Fourth Law of Robotics
by Red Witch
Summary: I don't think even Isaac Asimov saw this coming. Phrasing.


**One of Krieger's robot doppelganger's stole the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Or know exactly what happened during those three months Archer was in a coma before Dreamland. But odds are, something like this happened.**

 **The Fourth Law of Robotics **

"You know I'm glad we did this," Cyril smiled as he sat next to Lana on the couch in his office.

"So am I," Lana looked lovingly in his eyes. "Are you sure we won't be bothered?"

"It's after hours," Cyril waved. "Everyone else ran out of here like bats out of Hell so I don't expect them to be back anytime soon."

"That's good," Lana grinned. She kissed him deeply. "Are you ready?"

"Oh yeah," Cyril grinned.

Lana stood up and removed her dress in a swift move, revealing her signature black bra and panties. Cyril stood up and dropped his pants in anticipation. Lana grabbed Cyril and slammed him onto his desk.

"OW! Not so hard," Cyril winced. "Cool your jets!"

"Okay," Lana stood up. Her face slightly moved to the side releasing some steam from the sides of her head.

"Not literally!" Cyril groaned. "I meant slow down!"

"It's okay I had to do that anyway," The Lana Bot told him as she put her face back in position.

"Still hard to get over that," Cyril winced.

"Not that hard by the looks of your erection," The Lana Bot pointed.

"I meant the whole situation is a little weird for me," Cyril groaned as he got off the desk.

"A **little** weird?" The Lana Bot scoffed. "You're having sex with an android that looks and sounds **exactly** like your ex-girlfriend. I mean, I may be a sophisticated collection of data and silicone programmed to obey but even I find that weird. And I'm basically a walking Apple without the branding."

"You don't need to be so harsh," Cyril frowned.

"Don't blame me," Lana Bot shrugged. "Blame my programming. Krieger programmed me to be exactly like the original Lana."

"He did too good a job," Cyril groaned.

"Oh please!" Lana Bot snapped. "I may be a cyborg android but even I'm self-aware enough to know that you're still hung up on the real Lana. Who spoiler alert…Doesn't give a…"

"I get it! I **get it!"** Cyril groaned. "Wow the resemblance to you and the real Lana is uncanny."

"Was that a compliment or sarcasm?" Lana Bot asked. "Because my programming has a hard time distinguishing between the two."

"A…compliment," Cyril gulped.

"Oh. All right then," Lana Bot said. "Then we're good to go."

"Yeah let's do this," Cyril sighed.

The next thing he knew the Lana Bot was kissing him on the desk again and his shirt was off.

Then he heard the door open and a scream.

"WHAT THE F#$$##$ IS GOING **ON HERE?"** Lana's voice was heard.

"Hello," Cyril winced as the **real Lana** stood in the doorway.

Along with Mallory. "Oh, what fresh hell is **this?** "

And Ray. "Awk-ward."

"You **think?** " Cyril snapped.

"Cyril…" Lana growled as she saw her ex-boyfriend half-naked on a desk with a half-naked robot version of herself.

"Uh…" Cyril gulped as he stood up. "I can explain…"

"I think your erection is explaining for you," Ray quipped.

"I can explain!" Cyril protested.

"Well...?" Lana growled.

Cyril paused. "No I can't. I just said that because well… This looks really bad doesn't it?"

"Cyril a **bullet wound** to the **head** looks really bad," Mallory growled.

"A movie directed by Ed Wood looks really bad," Ray added.

Lana added. "Women who have had so much unnecessary plastic surgery that their face looks like Silly Putty that's been microwaved look **really bad**! **This** looks…"

"Extremely incriminating," Ray quipped. "Like Anthony Weiner's cell phone bill."

"My God Cyril…" Lana gasped. "A **robot version** of me? I mean I knew you weren't over me but…"

"This is a little too much like Face Off for me," Ray added.

"More like Dick Setting Off," Mallory quipped.

"Yeah this doesn't scream **'stalker'** ," Ray said sarcastically.

"What the hell Cyril?" Lana snapped. "If I go to your apartment and look in your closet am I going to find one huge massive shrine to me?"

"It's not a **shrine**!" Cyril snapped. "Technically…"

"Cyril honey," Ray groaned. "Shut up. Your mouth is working for the prosecution."

"Who will probably find Lana's face plastered all over his apartment walls," Mallory groaned. "As well as an ample supply of rope and chloroform."

"I am **not** stalking Lana!" Cyril snapped.

"You're having sex with a robot that looks just like me damn it!" Lana snapped. "If that's not some kind of stalking…I don't know what is! That's creepy Cyril! Krieger creepy!"

"And you can't get much lower than that," Mallory nodded.

"Okay but…" Cyril gulped. "Wait a minute! Lana you have a vibrator! How is this any different from that?"

"You're kidding, right?" Lana Bot looked at Cyril.

"One," Lana counted on her fingers. "Your stupid face isn't on my vibrator! And two…"

"Two I am way more complex than a dumb vibrator," Lana Bot folded her arms. "They're like the hookers of the machine world. Without the prestige of a hooker. In fact calling me a vibrator is insulting!"

Lana fumed. "No what's insulting is that Cyril is so demeaning to me that he uses a perfect replica of my body to spew his bodily fluids on!"

"Well I wouldn't say perfect replica," Lana Bot said. "I am in better condition than you are."

"WHAT?" Lana fumed at the Lana Bot.

"Oh like he wasn't having an image of you every time he goes to the bathroom, or the shower," Lana Bot waved.

"Or an elevator," Ray added.

"You know…?" Cyril glared at Ray.

"He just wanted a better upgraded version of you," Lana Bot shrugged.

"Shut up," Lana growled at her robot clone.

"Make me," The Lana Bot snapped.

"Okay then…" Lana took a deep breath. Right before she attacked her robot clone.

"Well that's something you don't see every day," Ray quipped as the two Lanas went at it, trashing parts of Cyril's office in the process.

"No but it's becoming too common for my own tastes," Mallory clucked. "Speaking of common…" She glared at Cyril.

"What?" Cyril shouted. "I thought you were gone for the day visiting Archer!"

"Lana left her purse behind because I drove them," Ray explained. "Ms. Archer promised me a couple hours if I did."

"Why would you do that?" Cyril shouted at Mallory. " **I'm** the head of the agency! Not you! I'm the **only one** that can give hours!"

 **"That's** your line in the sand, you half-wit?" Mallory shouted.

"Hey I take what I can get around here!" Cyril snapped while Lana threw the Lana Bot against the wall.

"Obviously," Ray quipped as the Lana Bot responded with a roundhouse kick.

"You know…?" Cyril glared at him.

"UGH!" Lana gasped as her double pinned her against the wall.

"Look who's obsolete!" Lana Bot grinned and made a fist.

"Hang on!" Lana snapped. "You're a robot! The Three Laws of Robotics state you can't hurt me!"

"Damn it!" Lana Bot realized and stopped fighting. "You're right. How did you know Krieger programmed that into me?"

"I didn't," Lana smirked.

"Oh," Lana Bot realized.

"I however," Lana added. "Can hurt **you.** "

"Oh shit," Lana Bot winced.

"Oh yeah," Lana grinned as she went on the attack.

THUD! WHAM!

CRUNCH! SMASH! CRUNCH!

"Ooh," Ray winced. "Even knowing she's a robot that has got to hurt!"

SMASH! CRUNCH!

"That is a tad disturbing even for me," Mallory winced at the carnage.

"AAAAAHHHRRRR!" Lana roared as she yanked her duplicate's head off of the body and raised it in the air in triumph.

"Okay," Ray winced. "Lana can rip robots apart with her bare hands. Good to know."

"Not good for you," Mallory gave Ray a look.

"You know…?" Ray looked at Mallory.

"Can't have nice things," Cyril sighed.

"Shut up you…" Lana snarled at Cyril as she threw the Lana bot head at him. Cyril managed to dodge it.

"Just so I'm clear on this," Cyril winced. "Are you mad because the robot **looked** like you? Or because I was having sex with a robot and **not** you?"

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE HAVING SEX WITH ANYTHING BUT YOUR OWN HAND IN THE NEAR FUTURE!" Lana roared. "AND EVEN THAT I…"

"Hey will you guys keep it down!" Pam snapped as she walked in.

"Yeah!" Another Pam wearing space age white underwear followed her. "You're making so much noise you're interrupting our sex orgy!"

"What the…?" Ray did a double take.

"Ugh! Do you people mind?" Cheryl walked in with her robot double. "Some of us are trying to get off here!"

"Seriously?" Cheryl Bot said. "Rude much?"

"I don't freaking believe this…" Lana groaned.

"See?" Cyril pointed. "It's not like I was the only one **doing it!"**

"Phrasing," Pam snickered.

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!" Mallory shouted. "IS EVERYBODY HAVING SEX WITH THESE DAMN THINGS?"

"I'm not," Ray gave her a look.

"No surprise," Mallory groaned. "With you there's no point. Considering…"

"Why would you two…?" Lana asked in shock.

"Uh having sex with **yourself?** " Pam gave her a look.

"Duh!" Cheryl agreed.

"Boosh!" The Pam Bot added.

"And Ka-Pow!" The Cheryl Bot added again. "And I don't know why you're whining Lana One Point Zero. They also took turns having sex with the Cyril bot but you don't hear the original complaining, do you?"

"They did **what?** " Cyril yelled.

"Yeah we kind of wore him out," Cheryl added. "Then again he was doing all four of us at the same time."

"Just like a vibrator," Pam grinned. "With a face."

Cyril groaned. "Okay Lana I see your point."

"Really?" Lana asked sarcastically as she folded her arms over her chest. "YOU THINK?"

"I'm guessing she was as high maintenance as the real Lana," Cheryl scoffed. "Am I right?"

"Wouldn't surprise me," Cheryl Bot quipped.

"Just when I think you lot can't get any more depraved…" Mallory grumbled. "Wait! Did you…Did you have sex with the robot that looks like _Sterling?_ "

"No," Both Pam and Cheryl said.

"Not for lack of trying," The Pam Bot added. "He's still busted. That means his dick wouldn't work."

"Why do you think we went with the Cyril Bot?" Cheryl scoffed.

"I thought you guys left for the night?" Cyril asked.

"No, we just pretended to do that so we could have sex with our robot doubles," Cheryl said.

"So, you thought you could be alone to have sex with **my robot double**!" Lana glared at Cyril.

"At least I was only having sex with your robot clone and not the others!" Cyril snapped. "That sounded a lot better in my head."

"Ray's right," Lana groaned. "Cyril your mouth is not only working for the prosecution, it's the **star witness**!"

"I'm guessing you slept with my robot clone too!" Ray snapped at Pam and Cheryl.

"Well we were planning on it," Pam admitted. "But it had some problems."

"The legs weren't working right and…" Cheryl sighed. "Yada, yada, yada it got set on fire and blew up."

"That one was always defective," Robot Cheryl said.

"Just like the real one," Mallory gave Ray a look.

"You know…?" Ray glared at her.

"KRIEGER!" Mallory screamed.

"How do you know he's here?" Cyril asked.

"BECAUSE **WHERE ELSE** WOULD HE BE?" Mallory shouted at him. "You idiots are like a herd! When one of you is around, all the others are around!"

"Yeeesssss?" Krieger walked in wearing only a lab coat and his underwear.

"See?" Mallory pointed.

"Krieger were you aware that Cyril was having sex with my robot clone?" Lana asked.

"Like he was the only…" Krieger began.

"WHAT?" Lana yelled. "Krieger, you…"

"Not me!" Krieger pointed at Pam. "HER!"

"Thanks a lot Tattle Tinker!" Pam snapped. "And it was just once. While I was waiting for the Cyril robot to recharge."

"Again," Cyril said. "Not the **only one**. And I was strictly monogamous with your robot clone!"

"How is that **better** exactly?" Ray asked.

Cyril paused. "It's not. Sounded a lot better in my head."

"I get why Cyril the Stalker would degrade himself," Mallory groaned. "And I know that Pam would have sex with literally anything. And so, would…Never mind. I just answered the question I was going to ask."

"This is literally the most disgusting and degrading thing you people have ever done!" Lana snapped.

"I take it you mean besides Archer and Barry?" Cheryl quipped.

"Badum, bump!" The Cheryl Bot added.

"You can't be mad at this," Krieger said. "Given the proper chance, everyone would bone a robot. Everyone."

"I wouldn't!" Ray snapped.

"Ray, you're already half robot," Pam pointed out.

"God damn," Ray groaned.

"Well I wouldn't!" Lana snapped.

"Neither would I!" Mallory snapped.

"You never did anyone with prosthetic limbs or artificial hips?" Pam asked.

"They don't count!" Mallory snapped. "I would never do it with a robot period!"

"Well you **say** that," The Mallory Bot in her white space underwear emerged from behind Krieger.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Mallory screamed.

"Okay **that** is the most disgusting and degrading thing anyone has ever done," Cheryl quipped as she pointed at the Mallory Bot.

"Are you talking about the original or the robot?" Cheryl Bot asked.

"Is there a difference?" Cheryl quipped. Both of them laughed.

"SHUT IT YOU HYENAS!" Mallory screamed. "Krieger…"

"You should take it as a compliment!" Krieger protested. "On how desirable and sexy you are."

"Something tells me she **doesn't,** " Ray winced.

"Gillette…" Mallory's eye twitched. "Get me a crowbar."

"Make it two," Lana growled.

"How about three?" Ray asked. "Because if you two are going to do what I think you two are going to do, I want in!"

"I would imagine this is the **only time** you would want a threesome with two women so…" Mallory growled. "Granted."

"Oh this will not end well," Cyril winced.

Twenty minutes later…

"AAH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!" Lana screamed as she smashed the robot Cyril into pieces.

"AAHHH!" Ray was smashing one of the Krieger bots.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Mallory was taking turns smashing a Krieger bot and a Cheryl Bot.

"Man," Pam laughed. "Lana is going to town on that Cyril bot."

"What's the point?" Cheryl sighed. "She already did the same to the real thing."

"I was right," Cyril groaned. He had a huge shiner on his left eye. "This did not end well."

"Can't have nice things," Krieger sighed. He also had a black eye.

"We're just lucky they didn't use the damn crowbars on us," Pam groaned. She also had a black eye. "I gotta admit we kind of had it coming. On my…"

"Pam please!" Cyril groaned.

"That's what he said," Pam snorted.

"Still it was fun," Cheryl giggled as she watched the carnage, also with a black eye. "Lana really knows how to hit!"

"Tell me about it," Cyril moaned.

"Ms. Archer ain't no slouch either," Krieger groaned.

"And Ray's robot hand ain't exactly a lightweight," Pam groaned.

"AAAHHH!" Ray ripped off a robot hand. "I wonder if this is how Lana feels?"

"Most likely," Mallory took a breath before continuing her bashing.

"You know?" Lana snarled before bashing in the head of the Cyril Bot again.

"I'm amazed you're not crying over this," Pam said to Krieger.

"I am," Krieger sniffed. "On the inside. Mostly because my tear ducts kind of hurt."

Lana let out a loud scream as she finished smashing. "There. I feel better now."

"It is rather therapeutic, isn't it?" Ray smirked.

"Yes, very," Mallory kept bashing away at a Krieger Bot. "Too bad we can't do this to the real things!"

"Gulp," Cyril winced.

"Now unless you idiots want this to be you…I never want to hear about this…" Lana warned. "Or be reminded of this **ever again**! I want to forget this **ever happened**!"

"Uhh…" Krieger blinked.

"You know the three laws of Robotics?" Lana asked as she threw down her crowbar. "There is now a fourth one. Which is to NOT HAVE SEX WITH ROBOT DOUBLES OF YOUR CO-WORKERS AND/OR EX LOVERS!"

"Technically there is a fourth law…" Krieger began. Lana silenced him with a glare.

"Just so there's no confusion Krieger," Lana glared at Krieger. "NO MORE GOD DAMN ROBOTS OF US! UNDERSTAND?"

"Yup," Krieger gulped. "Got it!"

"If you don't you are going to **get it!"** Mallory roared as she slammed her crowbar down again on the Cheryl Bot.

Lana glared at Cyril. "You are so never having sex with me again. IN ANY FORM!" She stormed away.

"Ditto!" Ray snapped as he followed Lana.

"Mallory out!" Mallory dropped the crowbar and stormed away.

"I guess I had that coming," Krieger sighed.

"On my…" Pam began.

"OH SHUT UP!" Cyril shouted.


End file.
